Finding My New Years Vision...

It's about 6.24am and i have already posted 2 entries, feel like i am rushing to tell you everything, but i can't, i need to poise down and feel more of what i am writing, also pay more attention to errors and writing mistakes. No... that is also something that i have learned over the last year, to let go of the EGO! But it's not what i want to talk about, i want to talk about this urge that i suddenly have again to share my life with you, the world, to get advice, to grow... i haven't felt like this in a while, and i am so happy that is happening again! Whoa... So excited, i hope it lasts!

Writting another blog, would mean to have to make a huge effort to go back into the past, when past should actually just be history, but if it is, then if i forget it who's gonna be there to tell it?!

And why is this suddenly so important??

Because i have a Cancer!

Because i can't take my days for granted!

Because i might be selvish or even egocentric, but i just don't want to go without leaving something to be remembered by!

Because i've been blessed with life, 9 times, and in this last one up untill now, i feel like i've screwed it up and maybe by writting at least you, God or the Universe will know why!

Because i've always wanted to make history!

Because i feel alone and this is the only way i have to speak it out and loud but silently!

Because i have this immense power within but i don't know how to use it!

Because when i'm no longer it shall be the beauty of life that stole my last breath away, but if i don't share how will you know it was beautiful! And was it beautiful?!

2009, is suppose to be the best year of my life, and now that is so close i'm actually scared!

My friend Mike sent me this email about finding my new year vision, and i'll started it today, and i feel that if i don't let go of the past now, i won't be able to acomplish whatever there is for me to acomplish this year, that will make it so Amazing!

So i write... and i'll be writting it all untill i don't have anything else left in my mind, untill i'm thoughtless, untill my cup of tea is empty and ready to be refilled... and by cup of tea, i mean, mind, head, external mind, consciousness, brain... whatever you want to call it!

I need this! I do!

A new start an absolute new attitude and aproach to life!

It has happen earlier this year, but it's just gonna be put in practise as of now... 2009!

But what if i'm just talking the talk and not walking it?

Feels like i've been here so many times before!

Did i?!

I'm such a hot mess!

I'm lost and I desperately need help!

I do I do!

FUCK!

Why am i so scared?!

This is the Intro of the Program: Resolutions Don't Work...

It’s the dead of winter, the last week in December, and you’ve probably got some timeoff. If you’re like most of the world, you’re feeling reflective about the past year and aredaydreaming about the year to come. What’s next year going to be all about? What do Iwant it to be about? How can I stay focused and on track when everything is alwayschanging?

hahahahaha... YAY!

Soundtrack: "Find My Way Back"... by: Diana King

From April 2007 On... Catching up With!

I returned to Canada, with that scare i had i figured it was time to let go of Mom and Dad's and actually try to do something... get a stady job, something that gives me a pay check at the end of the month. They gave me a visa for 4 months, untill exactly the day before my 25th birthday, and untill then i would have to proove that i could stay in Canada without government help or parents... so i was working really hard into having it happen... also for my parents cuz i knew it wasn't easy for them to get the visa for me. I needed to show them that i was grateful and i would do my best to show them that.

I got a job a shoe designer associate for the ALDO group, and by the end of the summer moved to Montreal.

Although this New Life i was having, absolutely careless of the Entertainment Industry was kind of going well, i wasn't making enough money, not even to pay for my rent, having the contract with Aldo wasn't enough to get a Work Visa, besides i was doing the whole long distance thing with my baby in NYC which was driving me insane... i just really wasn't happy, and i started considering moving to NYC and just drop Canada, seemed like my time in there had passed me by, and there was nothing i could do anymore!

But still, one goes through emotional fights, what if NYC is not the answer, what if i move and he doesn't want to be with me anymore, what about my parents? will they think i'm young and irresponsable?... I don't have a work Visa in NY either, should i go back to Portugal?... Should i give it more time in Canada and see what happens?... Should i ask him to come live with me here!

In the middle of all of that i audition for a Rock Recording Artist Contract to be released ASAP.

Will get into that later...

And it makes me feel like, OK... maybe i should stick around for a little longer, that could be the answer to my prayers and questions!

Working for ALDO, now part of FOLIO Montreal, Chaplin Talents and with a Rock Recording Contract in my hands... i decide to just stay in Montreal, learn some more french and keep working towards settling down!

I have so many things to say about my relationship, but i am just not ready, cuz we are still unsolved and i'm affraid of damaging the little we have left by sharing it with you just yet!

Obviously it had a lot to do with the way i felt, and how even with everything kind of happening again, i just couldn't feel fulfilled and happy!

On the other hand i was quite miserable!

I stopped doing the whole trips to Toronto, back and forth.... i decided to just audition in Montreal, but only when i had time, felt like i was living my real dream behind, like i wasn't being who i wanted to be any longer... i just had the need to settle and settling meant leaving my Dream behind!

I manage to book a couple of interesting movies and other gigs!

My baby... kept coming back and forth from NYC, i would do the same, quite often, at the end of the summer we broke up... for like a month... then got back together... around August!

Life was crazy... in order to also save the relationship we were hitting the point where, either you move, or i move... or we are done!

It was a pure hustle!

And by October he moved in with me, in Montreal!

But i had promised him, that i would take care of him, we were in french town, he had no working papers tho he is american, also an actor, booking jobs for him, tho it happened, was harder, than for me... he wasn't happy, i wasn't happy, we were trying to hard and i had way too much weight on my shoulder, but i was in denial, and i just couldn't let go!

It was a bit of Hell!

I had lost my identity and no longer could be selvish... but as much as i felt like that, he just didn't seem to have the same perception!

But so sweet and beautiful at times, most of times... we would stay in the house, he would cool, we would go to the gym, watch movies everynight... i would go to work and he would stay home, at some point i didn't want to be working anymore, so i would actually avoid castings and such, just to be more at home with him, to make him feels ok about doing nothing... and there we were, surviving, literally just out of love, wanting... and hope!

... And that was pretty much the end of the year 2007... actually i finished the year in Amsterdam, with him and his family... it was beautiful, just for the fact that ever since i came to North America this last time, i didn't even go see my family or to Portugal, and i decided to travel the Ocean to go meet his family and his... in the place where he was born!

It was a memorable time... i can already see this is all going to be about him... i know i must be making you very curious... our story is beautiful, as much as dramatic... just like every other GREAT LOVE STORY... intense, oh yeah!

But this is another post, so i can also put the thoughts in order in my head, and put the general idea out there, so then i can go in details towards the rest!

2007 seven was pretty much about (M)y (A)adiction (X)traordinaire... that's one of his nicknames given by me!!!

Aaaahh!

I'm writting fast so i don't lose track, i apologize for my bad english!

Soundtrack: Addicted by: Amy Winehouse

December 2006 and My Canadian Visa Issue

Yes... two year ago, it was, when my family and i, who at the moment were living in Ottawa, decided to come to NYC to spend the holiday season!

My Canadian Visa was about to expire, and we decided that it would be best to apply for it in NYC, close enough... etc etc... but still out of the country!

Put in NYC, i let Christmas pass, and by the 27th of December i went to the Embassy to ask for a New Visa!... I was doing really well in Canada, my parents were diplomats and so i took it all for granted!

1st day... With all the forms filled and the documentation necessary i submitted it all and awaited for a reply, when the conselour tells me, that at the moment i was unabled to get a visa, cuz i was too old to be under my parents guard as a diplomat, so i needed to find a way of prooving i'd be in Canada on my own, independent, for school or work, and for those i needed to have the proper letters justifying why i wanted to stay in Canada.

Obviously it was a big issue, cuz thru being a diplomat i can work in whatever, untill the age of 25 and i don't need any specific visa. But the man told me that i only have 7 months left as a 24 year old and that he couldn't issue me a visa, and that actually that was only untill i was 23 years old, which later i figured he either lied or was uninformed!

Diplomatic Visas are only applicable untill the age of 25, if you are not working to an instituiton, UN or etc.

I worried, but not much, cuz i had made enough contacts through the 2 years i was already living in the there... i had built a life, i wasn't ready to get rid of, so i took a breath and went home trying to find the best way of solving the problem!

2nd day... about two days later... it was the 29th of December i go back... this time i had a letter of my Agent, saying that i had a job booking to attend on the 2nd of January, and that i couldn't miss it!

WHAT A MISTAKE!

The man, which name doesn't occur to me right now, freaks out, questionning me things like:

"How do you have an agent in Canada?"

"What makes you think that you can go to Canada and take a privileged spot of a canadian?"

"How do you work in Canada?"

Obviously with another obstacul and me feeling like the man just wanted to make my life impossible, i couldn't even reply to his questions, i just said: " Well, i studied in Canada, i'm there cuz my family lives there, i have a house, i have a job, my whole life is there, so if that's gonna change i ask you to please allow me to have a temporary visa to at least get into the country and get my belongings. I also knew i was giving me way too much power, and it would not make anything easier.

He replied something like i would need different documentations, like a proper job (everyday 9-5 job letter with a contract)... or a letter from the school where i studied, but that for that i would have to be currently attending the school!

Oh Boy... i just knew he was up for no good!

So i found a way of contacting the school i was suppose to be attending and have the director send me a letter in which he actually lied, saying that i was still frequenting the school... and the consuleur said "No", in order to obtain a student visa i would have to be a full-time student, which obviously i wasn't, and he added:

"I googled you, and luckly for you, your myspace doesn't say you live in Canada, but Angola, Portugal, Brazil, NY... so if you are all over the place as you are, why don't you apply for an Internacional Artist type of Visa?"

Well, first, cuz i've been a diplomat all these year, and never really looked for alternative ways, cuz i didn't need to.

Then cuz to do that i would have to go back to the country where my passport is from, Angola, and i don't feel like it!

Also, you are a fucking ass and fucking hate you, i swear if i see you on the streets i'll kick your fucking ass!!! Aaah!

With that said, i got a BIG STAMP in my Passport saying: "DENIED"... which is the worst cuz i wasn't allowed back in the country for at least 4 years!!!!

You dont understand... it's been two years... of course i have overcome, but at the moment i was devastated... i was left in NY, with my laptop and a back-pack that i brought to spend a week!

I was scared, as much as accepting, that i'm just not born to have it easy!

I've been a diplomat for over 8 years and i never looked for alternative ways of having a permancy or any either type of status cuz i didn't have to!

So in NYC i stayed... untill April of 2007, when actually my parents found a way to ask for help to higher powers and they even said that the man really just had personal issues and they were sorry about the happenning!

I was also informed he was fired... Thank God, imagine how many peoples lives this guy might have destroyed!

So finally i was able to get back in Canada.

In NYC for 4 months... i once again had lost goals, priorities, enthusiasm and all!

I couldn't commit to anything cuz i knew, sooner or later i would be back in Canada, didn't know when, but things were being worked on, tho i knew it would take a while!

I was just partying and hanging around... i started going to the gym (way too much free time in my hands) and became a beefcake, fell in love (THE MOST COMPLICATED OF THEM ALL, AND STILL GOING... LOVE LOVE LOVE to be spoken about later)...

Yeah, I was so In Love that i actually didn't want to be there anymore, i just wanted to return to NYC and be with my baby!... But things were complicated, i needed to work and make money to be able to support myself in NY... as much as i wanted to give it another try and see if i could probably make something happen in Canada... I had been cast for the HairSpray Movie and they dropped me! The biggest lost of the year on my career!

I was just lost... and i couldn't seem to be able to find myself back!

Whatta crazy intense life ever since!

There's a lot more DRAMA coming!!!!

Soundtrack: Imagine, By: John Lennon